HT: Human3rror

This guy however has decided to record the 25 things he hates about Facebook. Made me smile!

Then, a louder knock follows. “Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife.So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door – clearly drunk.

“Hi there,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push??”

“No, get lost. It’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.

She says, “That wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost??”

“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.

“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.”

So, with a sigh, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and no longer able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts “Hey, do you still want a push??”

And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please.”

So, still unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?”

The drunk replies, “Over here, on the swing!”

THE CALL TO WORSHIP

Minister: Dearly beloved, we are gathered together this morning to celebrate the government ban on cigarette smoking in church.

All: We are?

Minister: We are indeed, because as we all know, people smoke in church all the time.

All: Not.

Minister: Therefore let us stub out our cigarettes with gladness, and cast off the works of darkness by joining together in the words of the Smoker’s Prayer.

All: Can you give us a light?

THE HYMN

Minister: We stand to wheeze our way through the hymn.

Hymn: Light Up the Fire (to the tune “Richmond King Size”)

THE BLESSING OF THE “NO SMOKING” SIGNS

The new plastic “No Smoking” signs (one for each entrance into the church, as required by the UK Health Act 2006) are laid upon the altar. The deacon takes the thurible and censes the signs from each side of the altar, using “Old Smoky No. 6″ mixture (Navy Cut).

Minister: Bless these hideous signs, O Lord. May they ever remind us not to smoke in the pews.

All: Or have a furtive drag in the vestry.

The minister may now lead the people in a time of holy coughing.

ORGAN VOLUNTARY

Smoke Gets In Your Eyes (arr. M. Physema)

THE PEACE

The congregation may now process to the main door of the church and stand outside for a 5-minute smoking break. Please share with those who may not have brought their own, and place your cigarette ends, as normal, in the collection plate during the offertory.

THE DISMISSAL

Minister: God hates fags.

All: In the English sense of that word.

Minister: May the marketing of St Peter Stuyvesant, St Benson and St Hedges not be with us all, evermore.

All: Amen.

One day Justin said to Christian, “I’m fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn’t have any worries about being eaten.”

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, “Your wish is granted.” Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. His old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn’t realize that his new appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

Swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his eyes Justin swam back to his friends. Looking around he realized he couldn’t see his old pal.

“Where’s Christian?” he asked.

“He’s at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark,” came the reply.

Eager to put things right he set off to Christian’s abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted: “It’s me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.”

Christian replied, “No way man, you’ll eat me. You’re a shark, the enemy, and I’ll not be tricked into being your dinner.”

Justin cried back “No, I’m not. That was the old me. I’ve changed.
I’ve found Cod. I’m a Prawn again Christian.”

He was talking with the children about how he has to carefully word his speeches when dealing with difficult matters an they were on the particular subject of what exactly a ‘tragedy’ was.

One child put their hand up and asked:

“So Mr Blair, if a tractor came over the top of a hill and ran over a small child would that be a tragedy”

Tony: “No, that would be called an ‘accident’ “

Another child raises their hand

“What about if a coach ran over a cliff and all the people were killed?”

Tony: “No… that would be called ‘a great loss’ “

One little girl puts her had up and says with great concentration:

“So Mr Blair… if you and Cherie were in a plane and it crashed and you both died…would THAT be a tragedy?”

Tony: “YES!! Exactly! Now why would you think that was a tragedy?”

Little girl: ” Well because it would certainly not be a great loss…. and it’s not likely to be an accident either!”